Encounters with death and mortality change you. Things that once seemed so monumental in this life suddenly seem so trivial. Death has a way of lining up your priorities, instantly. I’ve faced death a few times in my life, and each time was a defining moment, after which I was never again the same. Have you ever been in a horrific automobile accident, where for a period of time you didn’t know if you would survive? Have you ever been given a terminal diagnosis, one you were told you could not recover from? These kinds of things change you. And, if you are fortunate enough to survive them, hopefully they change how you live your life and relate to others.
I’ve witnessed death, been with others in their last moments, and had encounters with it myself, more times than I can recount in this short post. I’ve learned so much from these encounters. Let me give a few hypothetical examples of what life can very realistically look like…
A fifty-year old mother and grandmother called her children daily to “check-in.” She was loving, compassionate, giving, and always ready to help if needed. She was just there, a quiet support and shelter for them. Her adult children didn’t always answer her calls. Exhaustion from life circumstances, and the sometimes irritating dynamics of their relationship, led to avoidance from time to time. One day she called, and left a loving voicemail….asked for a call back, but none came. The next day she was comatose, and she never woke up. No other conversations were ever had. I wonder, if those children had known that was their last chance to talk with her, if they would have taken her call? I know I would have.
A fifteen-year old child teased their mother about finally getting their “ducks in a row,” lining up the decorative ducks in their room one day. The mother laughed and teased back and left the room. And that child had a massive heart attack shortly after. No more conversations were had. I wonder if that conversation might have lingered, if that mother had known?
A sixty-nine year old grandfather had a conversation with his wife about the way it felt like the “clocks of our lives are winding down.” He made a joke to his granddaughter, “Well, sis, looks like I’m about to kick the bucket.” His granddaughter scoffed and dismissed it jokingly—“No, grandaddy, you’re gonna be around for a long time to come.” The next morning he died of a massive heart attack. I wonder if there were words unsaid, if things would have gone differently, had the wife and granddaughter known that was their last day with him?
My point is this….we do not have an agenda that lists out the times and hours of our lives, and the schedule by which it will unfold. We do not know what our lifespan will be, nor that of anyone around us. In very few instances do we get a glimpse, or a warning, of when the end might come. This is why “carpe diem,” mindfulness, and living as though today is your last day is so important. Because it could be. Now, please don’t misunderstand—I am not proposing you live in fear and constantly wait hypervigilantly for death and disaster to come. I am only proposing that the only way to truly live is to fully enjoy your life, fully love everyone you meet, and to fully be vulnerable and transparent in every moment. Don’t leave words unsaid. Don’t leave conflict unresolved. Don’t let days pass without saying “I love you” to those most important to you. Live every day as if it is your last. Then, no matter what or when or where, you can have peace without regret. The relationships you have in life are the only thing that really matters. Accolades, achievements, accomplishments, financial success--those things die with you. Love, on the other hand--love is eternal. Love does not die. Keep your relationships alive, healthy, and full of laughter and love. In the end, that is all that matters. In closing, I’ll leave you with these beautiful words of wisdom from Max Ehrmann:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
by Max Ehrmann ©1927
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