Last night I was able to view the movie, “It Ends With Us” with my daughter. WOW. There is so much to say about this movie (more posts may be forthcoming), but I want to start with what is alluded to in the title. To be honest, I did not even know what the movie was about before I went. My daughter wanted to go so of course I was eager to accompany her. I am so glad I did. What followed were some deep, heart-felt conversations about family patterns, generational trauma, and what it really means to “End With Us.” If you are thinking of watching the movie, I highly recommend it. In short, it gives an accurate depiction of what it feels like to be immersed in a relationship containing domestic violence, both as a child in the home and as a partner to a violent person. It is never what it appears to be on the outside, and even this movie could not fully capture all of the intricate dynamics of such a relationship. But it gives a powerful glimpse, one I think it is important for everyone to see.
Abuse, in the form of domestic violence and other forms, rarely just appears out of nowhere. It often travels in patterns among families, unseen, unrecognized, slithering down through generations among our DNA (yes, this is scientific), our family dynamics, and our relational roles within the family. One of the things I learned when I was training to become a therapist was how to develop a genogram. A genogram is a family tree that illustrates all of the relational dynamics and traits within a family over generations---things such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, addiction, relational cut-offs, etc, are depicted visually when they occur. It is quite enlightening to step back and take an objective look at your family, your family of origin, and your ancestors. If you have done this, then you understand what I am describing here. It does not start with you. But it can end with you.
In the movie (**spoiler alert, if you have not seen it**), Lily (heroine) recognizes she is in an abusive relationship after some time has passed, and she has experienced coercive abuse, boundary violations, and several instances of physical aggression that resulted in harm. She begins to understand that she is repeating a pattern of old—one she watched her mother walk out throughout her childhood. Her father was also physically and emotionally abusive to her mother, a fact she bore witness to throughout her life. In the instances of abuse she experienced with her partner (husband), she was also experiencing various forms of flashback to the abuse she witnessed as a child. It was not only traumatic but also re-traumatizing to her in each instance. I am certain that this pattern, this generational cycle, did not start with her mother, either. Although it is not shown in the movie, I am certain her mother could share a similar tale of witnessing abusive things between her parents. And so it goes. Lily made a decision to stop this cycle and leave the abusive relationship, which is one that takes incredible courage. Lily’s mother said it so succinctly, “To leave would have been harder.” Yes, leaving is much harder than staying. My hat is off to anyone who has successfully left an abusive relationship. I am grateful you did. Future generations to come will be forever changed.
The decision to leave was monumental. But, as the movie so eloquently depicts, people with abusive tendencies are still people, and they have a very human side. They can elicit empathy, compassion, and passion from their victims, and these emotions can make it impossible for some to leave. They often have a horrific tale and a very human story that has led up to their anger issues, their abusive tendencies, their possible inability to experience empathy themselves, and their warped understanding of what love is and should be. Those of us who have strong elements of empathy and compassion can get pulled back into a position of rescuing and loving them very easily. Ryle, the abusive husband (who also is a charismatically handsome neurosurgeon), has had some tragic life experiences which have shaped him. At times you see a glimpse of the broken little boy inside him, and many women would feel a maternal urge to nurture this hurt little boy. Ryle is simultaneously willing to exploit that urge and unable to receive it. This dichotomy creates an internal war inside many abuse victims. The empathy can cause you to justify the abuse. “He didn’t mean it.” “He didn’t realize what he was doing.” “He was hurt, he can’t help the way he is.” And so forth. If this is familiar to you, I hope you have or you WILL resolve(d) yourself to set firm boundaries, hold to those boundaries, and walk away if they are not respected. There are agencies that will help you get out safely and assist in obtaining legal measures (such as a restraining order, a legal separation, etc) if needed.
The final piece I want to address here is the idea that it can “End With Us.” If you take it upon yourself to break generational cycles (and this could be patterns of abuse or other unhealthy family patterns, such as addiction/alcoholism, etc), you cannot do this alone. The movie did not touch on this at all, so I feel this is crucial to discuss. When a victim leaves an abusive relationship they are choosing to enter into the most dangerous period of their life. Leaving an abusive person is actually more dangerous than staying, initially. Research shows that 75% of people killed by an abusive partner are killed when leaving. Research also shows that there is a 75% increase of abuse when a victim leaves—this can play out as post-separation abuse, coercive abuse to lure them back into the relationship, stalking, threats, and continued verbal and physical assaults. But successfully leaving is also the most effective way to survive, as 1 in 5 homicide victims are a result of intimate partner violence. Leaving is important, but leaving safely is critical. This requires assistance of friends, family, support people, and often community agencies. Agencies that are often involved in a victim leaving an abusive situation include: law enforcement, court systems, attorneys, domestic violence shelters, therapists, and social workers. Rarely does someone accomplish this on their own without support. It requires financial means, a physically safe place to go (and often HIDE), and legal acts of protection. And what about what happens beyond the leaving? What about the years of after-effects of the trauma? The PTSD or c-PTSD symptoms? The innate tendency to REPEAT THE PATTERNS unconsciously, in spite of the conscious choice to break them?? This is where therapy comes in. I do not believe it is possible to break these entrenched patterns and cycles without therapeutic intervention. I have seen people who have tried repeat the patterns in various ways over and over again. One abusive partner after another. Remaining single and isolated out of fear of repeating the patterns (i.e. not fully living your life). Settling for “lesser” forms of abuse (if there is no physical abuse then the emotional and mental abuse seems more tolerable). Trading these patterns for other unhealthy patterns, such as addiction, control, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, etc. To truly heal from the abuse, understand the deeply ingrained patterns and their roots, and to reset your thinking, your way of relating to others, and your understanding of what a healthy relationship really should be, requires a LOT of work. I highly recommend partnering with a therapist who is licensed and trained in working with domestic abuse and trauma. Your life—the beautiful, healthy life you truly DESERVE—depends on it!
**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship (note: some forms of abuse do not leave bruises), please get help and get out. Here are some resources that will assist you:
National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or Love Is Respect Helpline (1-866-331-9474).
Shelters that can provide a safe place to stay and other services, such as job training, legal assistance, and childcare.
(The Haven, www.valdostahaven.org 229-244-1765)
The global NO MORE Directory
When Georgia Smiled website (www.whengeorgiasmiled.org)
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